the past yang macam bangang

Where to start eh Amende la nak tulis ni hoi.

Hah. Td nampak gamba ex colleague kat tmpt kje baru. Tetibe nmpk satu susuk tubuh yg mcm kenal je. Ex boipren oi ex boipren puaka. Hahahaha

Xpuaka la pon. Sbb aku pun xde gadoh ape dgn die. N die comey la gak mlayan aku yg gemok ni.

Well congratulations la kat die sbb die dpt keje yg die nak. Ofis yg die nak. Tapi kbetulan plak ak dapat ofis yang aku nak. So masing2 dpt ape yg masing2 nak. Then putus. Bagus2.

Tapi nak suruh aku stay jadi kwn mmg xla kan brader. Die tekujat bl aku ckp xnak kwn lg ngn die sbb die tu buang mase aku. Aishh xdtg faedah pun. Agame pon lain. Tahap poyo pon lain.

Btw smenjak da suku abad ni asek la sakit. Can i just die. I know my sins n hell will be my place but i just dont want to live anymore.

Belah jahat belah baik

Hari-hari dlm pukul 3suku aku confirm duduk dekat stesen bas jalan teknokrat 3,cyberjaya untuk tunggu bas atau van tuk bawak aku balik ke ampang. Dan setiap hari akan ade sorang mamat dari IBM akan tunggu bas yang sama.

Dan satu hari die tegur aku. Aku pun tegur die balik. Tegur2 gitu tanpa tahu name masing. This is not a love story by the way. Since da start mula borak and betegur sapa"hey- hey" ni, makin gentleman dia ni.

Bila nak naik van or bus, even die dah jalan ke depan die akan bagi aku naik dulu. Siap tangan ke depan macam isyarat suruh aku jalan dulu. Cakap die pun sgt sopan santun. Seriously wa cakap lu. Memang kalau die mintak no phone memang aku kasi la.

Harini pun die still gentleman yang sama until...!!!

Die call or die received call from the gf or female frens or very close frens. Die borak lama gile dlm phone tu. suddenly call tu terputus. Pastu after 2 minits phone die bunyi. Die angkat dengan bengkeknye die jawab "why d fuck u blablabla. Pastu conversation di teruskan. I think dengan aman lah. Sbb die tak tinggi suara lagi. Pastu tetibe die ajak pompuan tu kluar. Pompuan xnak rasenye sebab die cakap "u always with excuses. Same like last monday" pastu mencarut lagi.

Aku macam.... Bia betul mamat ni. Die mcm baik kot. Nape tetibe garang bebenor ni. Ishh...

Dont blame me k sbb dengar die punyer conversation. Sbb mase tu dlm van. And sebelah aku xde orang. Balakng aku ialah die sorang je.  

Hmmm so arini telah mengubah perception aku terhadap die. Aku ingat ade lg mamat yg gentleman or at least yang ade akai logic or berpikian matang sket. Tapi depan orang lain, balakang lain. Apa pun tara buleh...


 Bye... Another pointless entri.

Lemah lutut

Tau tak ape yang aku penat. Aku penat nak kesat air mata ni. Chopp. Aku bukan penat nak kesat air mata.

Yang benarnya aku penat nak tahan rasa. Aku tahan. Tahan lagi. Sampai aku hilang punca. Macam semua masalah tiba2 tertumpu pada aku. 

I've been let down. Im not tough. Im broken. Inside and out. to still breathing up to today is actually an achievement when suicide is one of the things that popped up in my head like everyday. 

I do sound silly n stupid. Even if u touch my scar still does not mean u feel my pain. 

Common entry

Seeking a friend for the end of the world. Bloody hell, that is a long title for a movie. Tapi movie die best la. Bukan best gile babi. Tapi relax la tengok cerita tu. Happy ending tapi tak happy. 

Arini masum minggu ke 2 aku AL. Next week start keje. 

Eh tadi ikut shah survey harga handphone. Sbb iphone dia hilang. Suddenly terjumpa ex collegue. Dan macam biasa, sume mesti ingah shah boifren kite. Cepat2 je "This is my bestfriend la". 

Esok kene bayar sume bills. Sume kene settle b4 i start keje balik. Tapi esok nak bangun lambattt... Hmmm dilema. Wtf la dilema.

100 things to smile #6 BURGER

Aint nobidy got time to read..!

Who cares.

I love burgersss.. Tapi burger bakar cam kurang sikit. I dnt know why. I used to love mcdonalds but somehow makin lama makan makin boring plak. Tapi burger ramli tepi jalan jangan cerita la kan. Die punya teringin n mengidam tu x pernah ade time. Sentiasa je ade.

Pastu burger sampah depan 7E kat ampang tu yang area SPCA tu kan. Pun sedap...

Even i cant make that tasty juicy burgers yang melelehkan limpahan mayo n cili sos.

I just had a burger for my lunch. Tapi sempoi punya burger la. Ade cili padi sket cox i cant live without cabai burung....!!!

Dulu2 aku suka gile roti burger. Tapi yang sedap kene penyak tu la. Xnak yang masak ala2.  Tu memang la xsedap. Macam makan 7 slice of gardenias bread without any jam and topping. Bareable but if u do have choice, meme tak la nak makan kan.

Hmmmmm 2nd entry for today. Nampak tak betapa aku xde keje nak buat. Aku berjaya basuh baju n sidai. Thank god i dont have to fold it. Gantung je sume dlm lemari.

My english teacher

Whoaaa!! Cerita yang bertajuk seperti di atas adalah rasenye agak 18sx. Not your typical english teacher. N not typical english movie but still i wish ..


-----———•—•—•–•

Aku tulis sangat panjang ye tadi. Tetibe tertekam undo and everything gone!! Gone like gone. Kinabatangan betul. Memang taklah aku nak menaip beersungguh lagi.

Tapi mase tengok draft dulu, terjumpa draft ini.

"        rambut sangat panjang!! cam nak sampai pinggang. n i took almost one hour untuk mandi. almost 30 mins just to washed my hair. tak pernah seumur hidup ambil masa sebanyak tu untuk basuh rambut n mandi. dulu rambut panjang bahu pun basuh rambut sekali. sekarang ni, basuh je nak 3 kali. n for the first time after 24 years old hidup bersama rambut, i need to use conditioner.

aku nak kene potong rambut. tapi bilekah masanya.          "

Gitulah die. Rambut dulu panjang mengurai. Sekarang pun nak dekat panjang dah ni. Bahu dah. Tapi tuhan je tau panas dia. Global warming kan. Ntah la. 

Bai. 

Note to myself: be tough. Be good. Tolong berdisplin lebih kuat sangat lagi okeh. 

Glass house

Motif tajuk di atas: aku baru lepas tengok cerite The Lake House. Actors sandra bullock n keanu reeves. Dok tahu plak cane nak eja. N i dont have time to google. 

Sape yang sangat suke romantik n fantasi ni boleh lah tengok. Tapi aku tgk cite ni sbb dari info for this movie ialah seorang arkitek n dokter yg communicate tapi diorang actually living in different year but in the same house. 

This story is just to sweet to be true. That is one of the reason knapa aku elak kan diri bace novel2 chick lit. It gives me false hope!! Aku ni dah lah jenis mengharap...so memang tak seswai tuk aku baca. Aku baca Time Travellers Wife, amik ko... Ngidam betul nak jadi time traveller. Bace buku dorothy komsoon ok sikit la. Tapi memang kene ade kesabaran la nak baca buku tu. Sebab crite tu memang pasal prempuan yg tabah je banyak. 

Omg ape aku membebel. Tak tahu nak tulis apa. Sekarang tengah nak start tengok movie "the english teacher". Cam best je kt info tu.

Privacy

Privacy-lacy-laci-cina-nangka-kayu-u, yes u..i hate u.

Tau tak privacy tu ape. There are reasons why sometime that certain someone wanted us to give them some space, privacy to be exact. There might be a hidden secret or agenda that we should not know about.

I should have respect Leman privacy. Aku  tetap jugak nak try to invade lately ni. Sebabnya suddenly aku super curious. Cuak pun ye jugak. Is Leman yang aku kenal ni ialah Leman yang sebenar? Paranoid? Maybe. 

U cant blame me since Leman do have history which i saw in front of my eyes. The betrayal is in front of my eyes. Well i watch for like 5 minutes then i decide that me n Leman need to confront. He denied it of course. He said its all an office joke. - ya! Which lead to facebook n all. 

I cant blame Leman when we are far apart. We not even in the same continental in that particular time. N i was ok bcause i was preparing myself that such thing might happen. 

Me n Leman do respect each other privacy. Tapi entah macam mane, mlm tadi aku ter invade privacy die. Im reading  text messages in his fb. He texting w this beautiful lady. Leman memang ade crush kat this lady. Like big crush gile2 on her dulu2. 

Saying something about kawen. N something like " am i layak to be your jodoh? " tu Leman punya soalan. Im not sure if i am devastated or frstrated. But i knw im very sad. I didnt blast him that instance. Because i know now that i am not that important to him anymore. 

Hes a good guy. Maybe this is how his life should be. He + his crush = happily ever after. 

Bye azrafe zaky

Zack. Dia dah xde. Xrapat mana. Tapi selalu ada dlm facebook. A mystery guy. First met kat mont kiara. 

Aku memang diam je. Tapi aku tau die rockstar. Dia ada band. Tapi aku tak tau siapa die memula. 

Mata die tu. Senyum die tu. Warne kulit die tu. Perghh terbaik.

Based on his stAtus dis past few months aku rase die patut da kawen skrg. Tapi xtau kenapa xjadi. Ade hikmahnye tu.

Aku bukak instagram tetibe fynn jamal cakap pasal zack. Aku da rase lain macam. Makin lama baca post tu makin lain macam. And bila aku bukak fb and tengok profile zack. Memang dia da tak ada. N my first thought was "hes too young. It cant be him"

Aku dengan zack pernah kene pair sekali je dalam projek. Die photographer aku journalist. Die memang terbaik. Pak lawak. Awesome pics. And tetibe one day die pindah johor balik. Xnak duk kl dah.

Sekarang die dah tak de langsung. Dulu aku rasa sesape yang kawin dengan die mesti untung. Entahlah sbb ape. Tapi maybe sbb his bad boy look tapi soft hearted. 

Apepun zack. Kita kawan. We maybe dont talk much. But i always know that u somewhere there n im always somewhere here. Take care bhai. Tengs for the memory. 

Bye zack. Byebye azrafe zaky. 

ADHD

Nope. I dont have ADHD. But my head sure are messed up. I just need to think everything at once. Constantly losing focus. Doing things half way. 

What i know now is, everything is not accordig to my plan. But to think it back, i dont have any plan. I didnt make one. So let me rephrase the first sentence of this paragraph again. - Everything that happened is just so unpredictable - 

Because of few circumstances, i made a few steps that i thought could help make others comfortable, happy n blablabla.

What i didnt know is, nothing is in my control. These past few days, i have to wipe my tears, and to hold back my thought. 

If i can make things better, i sure will make that choice. But what options do i have. To whom should i turn to. Talk to. I just want to sleep. For a long period of time. I want to cry. Like really crying. Sobbing. 

And on top of all the problem that i have now, my car decided to make a weird sounds that coming from the ekzos. Bloody hell. Im done. Seriously.

Unanswered Q's

Sometimes aku questioned diri aku gak. Nape die wat mcm ni. Nape die wat cm tu. Let say la kan... 

Kawan J baru habis makan. Naik ofis. Datang tempat aku, pass duit. 

Kawan J: beb tolong belikan buah.

Aku : bereh boh..

Hari2 jadi bnd yang sama. So aku mcm pelik. Kenapa ko xbeli sendiri waktu ko pegi makan tadi?. Haishh. Name pun kawan. So beli jelah. Tapi KENAPA??

Sorang lagi. Kawan G. 

Kawan G: beb, i need your help plz..! 

Aku : ngape plak ni.

Kawan G: my dad got brain tumor. I need to buy the train ticket to go back to ipoh. Return ticket. Plz beb.

Aku : la ye ke. 

Kawan G : ya, my brothers cannot buy for me. They all not here. Holiday. I really need u to buy d tix for me. Nxt week is labour day. Takut tix habis.

Aku dalam hati : bukan kah hari ni kau off day? Esok pun kau off day. Bukankah kau punya boifren sekarang? Bukankah banyak betul cousins brother kau yg selalu spend masa clubbing n dinner n all? 

Aku jawab: ok lah. I try. If i da beli i inform u

U get what i mean or not? Like seriously, if its an urgency for u, then go ahead n buy the tix yourself la oi. Ko tengah off day selama dua hari. Watdehell?. I mean seriously. Seriously?!!

Operasi tabah

Everyday except saturday n sunday aku try sehabis baek untuk buat overtime. Start work at 8am n finish at 7pm. Im doing my best to pay all my debts. 

Aku harap aku takkan rasa malas untuk datang keje. Ini je kerja yang aku mampu cari. Kalau aku belaja usaha rajin2 dulu maybe boleh sambung jadi reporter. Tak menyesal tapi terkilan ( cam sama je maksud. Abaikan)

Relationship wid mama so far so good. Relationship wid siblings so far so bad

Relationship with others : it isss sooo depend on your attitude towards me.

Relationship wid ma cat: soo complicated.

Relationship wid ma creater: complicated n its all ma fault. 

New Job

i got a job. praise to the lord.

its a bit far from my house, but that is fine since the company can provide transport tuk ke sana. im ok with that.

today have mark 2nd month im here. yippi!! no so yippi. i am so kering. i need gaji. and it should be out on Tuesday. amin.

im on my break now. n i developed a habit to drink brew coffee everyday. this is bad. beri beri bad. call me a doctor. i need a doctor.

ok. my break is almost done. i need coffee!!!


p/s i hope this year can be a wonderful year.

Baby i need fantasy

im unemployed. jobless.
not fun.
but who the hell care.

i have applied the one and only job that can satisfied my family each time the sedara mara asked bout my job.

i went to the interview. but theres some glitch with all the fucking CTOS things. maxis really did black list my name. went to maxis centre and paid all the amount. name cleared. done.

and got a called that i actually have an account on P1 Max. the fug?? it turn out to be a fraud case. but it takes 1 week to get a release letter from P1 max to cleared my name.

submit all the documents to the new company. dont know the result yet. hoping everything is ok. if its not, then i might go to Langkawi and start my life there. it does sound fantastic. fuck everyone else and be happy. i dont mind being alone. ive been doing that for more than 25 years. yelah. another 2 years tu kan my granny n mummy jaga. so as an infant its impossible for them to leave me alone kan.

ahhhh.. bosan. i need my ciggies. bye

I dont like ex or x or axe.

The ex kembali lagi. Muahaha. Just to wish hepi new year. Xnak reply xnak reply. 

For the first time everrrr aku keluar jugak dgn ajul sempena new year. Keluar tp tak keluar. Xnampak fireworks pun. Sebab aku tetido. Kitorang lepak kat hotel. Minum2 jus, yeos n makan oreo sambil tengok transformers. 

Mok and hubby and naza ajak lepak putrajaya tengok fireworks. Tapi nak gerak g putrajaya kol 10 lebih malam. Memang x la aku nak ikut. Ajak diorang lepak hotel sbb ade bilik free. Igt nak tengok fireworks kat tingkap otel je sbb memang nampak klcc. Tapi aku tido dlu. Xtau la diorang yg len tengok ke x. Pagi2 turun breakfast ngan ajul.

Tetibe terpikir "syg, awk orang terakhir sy nampak ujung tahun 2013"

Die lak balas "tu la, By orang first orang tengok 2014. Heeee" 

Die literally cakap "heeee". X tipu punya. Sebab die memang cam cartoon. I miss him. Huuu.